I knew it will be like that. When i was depressed i knew what should i do to recover from the depression. And i knew what the result will be.
That depression disappeared. In stead of that...
I became confident (that's what i needed) and ready to attack
BUT:
I became agressive
I lost my willing to make everyone happy
I lost my ability to make people smile and laugh
I don't want to smile any more
I hate everything and everybody

Cool, isn't it? That is my sacrifice for the lost confidence. I don't care what the others will think. I don't care about them at all now.

Current Mood: grr...

I've always wanted to start my life from the very beginning. Always. For as long as i can remember. Maybe because of all the mistakes i've made during my short pathetic life. Maybe because i feel like i'm not in the place i gotta be. I was born in Russia. Well, according to my character, it's quite strange. I'm crazy about another country.
But mostly, i want to start everything over because of the people who know me. There has something been installed in a human's head, that one can never realise that everything and especially everybody around changes. I mean, we change! One can understand that about himself, but never about the others.
My friends. Any of those, who know me never realised that I CAN CHANGE. They see you the way you were yesterday. I know why, but that's what i hate about people. That's what i hate about me too. And that is why i've always wanted to start over. No matter how, when and where, but, the most important, it must not be connected with my past.
I've never been afraid of unknown stuff. Never. When i don't know, what my future will be, but someone can tell me for sure, that it has NO connection with my past and present, i will change my present to this future without thinking.
That's what i hate about life. You present is always the result of your past. And as your future is connected with the present that is the result of the past, you have no chance to avoid meeting your past in your future. No way. You can never change that. A circle.
Just like in my religion - in buddhism. Life consists only of circles. No start, no ending - you are trapped by the circles.

Current Mood: crying or ready to attack?..

Should i repeat that story again? I was thinking about football practically all this day. I know that if i tell my mom that i wanna play football professional, she's gonna kill me, cause she does know what that means for me... haha...)) Injuries, dirty clothes, no time for anything else etc.
She doesn't want to start over. I do. I play tennis now. But that drives me crazy. Maybe not tennis itself, but i remember how i could answer the question: "What kind of sport do you do?" - Football! And the reaction always was like: "Wooow, girl, football, cool!" - No it's visa versa:
- What sport do you do?
- I play tennis...
- Oh, really? I play tennis too, and all my friends play tennis too... - gosh, everybody plays tennis! DISGUSTING!

I am in deep shit...

I wanna play football again and i will do it no matter what it costs me... Tigers never give up!))

Current Mood: ready to attack

Is it possible to keep your feelings if your beloved lives somewhere far far away and the only way you can talk to him is an e-mail. Once in two weeks he has a free day and can check his e-mail and write me a letter. You can't even imagine how difficult it is - to save your feelings... Memories about him are disappearing day by day. He lives in Turkey.
And i awfully miss him. I would now give anything to just see him for a second. Gosh, why life is so unfair? Why can't i just forget him and go on enjoying my life? Why? Why i can't do that even though i understand i won't be able to be with him? Am i stupid or what?
I am not even sure that it is love, but i can't think of anybody else - all last year it was like that. Despite the fact we've seen each other a year ago, i still love him. I do.

Current Mood: depressed

birer birer kayıp giderde her bir sevilen, yenisi gelmez, eline geçmez hele ki değeri hiç bilinmeyen, yürekte varsa sevgiden de ötesi,
sen ağlasan da boş, ışıkta yaksan nafile, odan karanlık hep loş, hayatın emri hep koş, bayağı bir bekledim boş,
yaşantım sanki bir savaş ve hoşta bazen, ateş kesildiğinde ve de sular durulduğunda, yoksa hep gülerdi insan, hep kalırdı masum, saygıda bir kusur ettiğinde minnetinde değeri yok, kafalarda hesaplar yapılır ve mesafeler konur, fakat bu kalp unutmaz, unutamaz ki zaten, her kalp yıkılır ancak yenisi bulunamaz bir mesken, her anım birini özler, rüyada yolunu gözlediğim, düşünceler ve benliğimle canlanır tüm hatıralarım, bitince yalnızım, gözümü açtığımda kalmışım yanımda ailem ve birde arkadaşlarım....

gelsin hayat bildiği gibi gelsin, işimiz bu yaşamak,
unuttum bildiğimi doğarken, umudum ölmeden hatırlamak...

şimdi boşuna bakma saate zaman geç oldu, dün annem elimi tutarken bugün 29'da doldu, vakit can almaz ancak can yakar,
fakat bir bekle bak, knock out olursan çok sakat, mücadeleyle geçen hayatta son round, kazanmak herkes ister,
ne istediğini bilmektir önemlisi var mı listen, hayallerin, hırsın, cesaretin, sabır selametimse intikam felaketimdir,
ne mektebimde vardı huzurum, ne vardı evde, çıkıp bir başıma ağlamaktı belki caddelerde, hayallerin kurulduğu ve düşlerin yok olmadığı, bu gözlerinse dolduğu, zamanın donduğu bir yerdeyim, düşünceler dumanlı dağlar aynı, gözse puslu, bir bakmışım mesafeler uzun ve tozlu, benimse yol yürür gider bir seyyah olurum, ne paranın bir değeri vardır aslında, ne de şerefle onurun...

gelsin hayat bildiği gibi gelsin, işimiz bu yaşamak,
unuttum bildiğimi doğarken, umudum ölmeden hatırlamak...

ameleydim eskiden şafak sökerdi her gün işe giderken, cebimde yoktu bir kuruş ve Üsküdar�ımın her bir yeri yokuş,
her gün yeni bir suç, ittiler fakat ben olmadım tuş, kanatlı doğmamış kuş, vakit hiç geçmemişti, ben hep aynı yerde saydım,
ekmekle vardı kavgam daha bir sertti günler, ve geçmişeydi saygım, gelecekti kaygım, kelebekti kalbim,
akar giderdim olsa bile bir derdim hep gülerdim, ve ağladığımı görebilen bir annem birde ben, inceden bir perde vardı gözlerimde,
göz görür fakat dilim susardı, ayaklarım, elim, kolumda bağlı, hayat bu dile kolay velakin her bir yerine ağrı,
ve kimi zaman düşündüm, aslında hiç üşenmedim ben hep düşündüm, hayata karşı dört silahşör hep güler sanmıştım,
bu öyle lanet olası tos bir pembe ki bir baktım her şey ciddi ve hemen uyandım...

gelsin hayat bildiği gibi gelsin, işimiz bu yaşamak,
unuttum bildiğimi doğarken, umudum ölmeden hatırlamak...

Current Mood: mm... that reminds me sth...))

Do you think it is possible to live in this world withour confidence? I think not. But, seriously, are there so many people who feel themself confident in this world nowadays?
I used to be confident. Maybe because i didn't have so many problems. Or maybe because there was always a person near me, who helped me to feel myself confident. Confident, confident... now it's like a foreign word for me. And a computer in my brains tells me:
"Error 404: Not found!"
The worst thing is in stead of a person who supported me, there is now a person, who does everything to make me understand that:
- i'm always wrong
- i'm useless n worthless
- i don't know sth, but just pretend to know it
- all i have been tought is completely wrong
- etc.
That's "exactly" a motivation i need... Oh...
Strange thing - confidence. Sometimes, as now, it is being destroyed in a lot of different ways, sometimes, as on that match, it disappears suddenly without any reason. And despite the fact, that lost confidence was being restored within years, it can collapse within a single moment. And visa versa - it can appear just suddenly, in a moment, without any reason, and stay with you for years.
I wish i could restore my confidence. But the more i live the more i understand that it is somewhere way far from me... Far far away...
Where are you, confidence?
Hmm... Kaplan değil miyim?

Dedicated to Olga Borisovna, a person who has always supported me and go on doing it. I guess only thank to her i am still optimistic. She is the kindest person i've ever seen...

Current Mood: where are you confidence?

I'm here. Hello, people. Hello, diary.
A bit about why i called my diary Unfinished football match. Well, in my childhood i used to play football. I had played football for 5 years, until my mom told me to quit this kind of sport, as "football is not for girls, blah-blah-blah, sth like that". So i had to quit. Anyway, it was lond ago. 2 years i played as a goalkeeper, and a very good one, by the way. But one day (i still remember that match), something just was not right - i was awfully afraid of the ball and couldn't catch it even a single time! An awful feeling of loosing, of letting your team down and so on. I was not a goalkeeper anymore.
This year me n my mom went to Turkey. And just for fun once i decided to play football. I was a bit afraid - as i was the only girl in the team. Erm, all the others were like 30-year-old men (i'm 15, btw). 2 days of useless horsing around on the football pitch. Last day of our holiday - just for fun, as usual, i decided to be a goalkeeper for that match. That was the only day one turkish animator, Enis came to play too. He has played football professional for 5 years, or sth about it. What can i say, i was great. I couldn't even expect such a game from me! I thought i will be too scared to catch a killing shot from Enis and the others. But i was not! He told me i was very good. I caught most of his shots (sometimes they were quite painful). When i was going home after that match i was thinkin: "Maybe my game is not finished?.."

At first i wanted to call my diary "Dedicate whole life to Turkey" as i am crazy about this country. Still, a lot of people askin me - why? I can't say why, don't even try to ask me. But i am. I learn turkish. I'm trying to do it. Sometimes it's a bit difficult, but i'm not gonna give up. As soon as i have chance, as soon as grow up, i'm gonna enter a university to become a diplomat. I want to work in Turkey as a diplomat. I want to live there. No matter what anybody tells me about it. Turkey... mmm... And i love it the way it is. I mean, no matter what happens there. No matter, what problems it has. I don't care. I just love Turkey...

Current Mood: lazy